Neil Hilborn- Live at Icehouse

Curated By Ralph

"The Road Not Taken" is a source of inspiration for me, because it encourages me to seize opportunities and chart my own course in life.

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Neil Hilborn, performing @icehousempls5665 in Minneapolis.

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Thank you [Music] [Applause] What's up y'all Hey Um so I'm okay all right I'm supposed to Fix this mic really quick Emily just let Me know Great Emily's taking pictures and uh the Most important person in every room is The photographer so Um all right Yeah yeah sorry dude I didn't mean to [ __ ] up yeah you're the best I love you Um oh [ __ ] All right Already [ __ ] crushing it uh I'm gonna do a bunch of poems about how I'm wrong all the time uh so this poem So uh so okay I've lived in the Twin Cities for 10 years um and it feels like All the all the musicians from Minneapolis all have a like Minneapolis's Dope song so I wanted to Write my own poem like that uh so I Wrote this poem it's called Minneapolis Is a jar Thank you It's a good day in Minneapolis when it's Only below freezing I wake up look Outside to make sure everything's still Covered in snow it is [Applause] Comforting

I scraped the ice off my car then go Back to bed if I can't handle ice I Definitely can't handle my friends Mike Passed out in his Studio after the show Last night Jessica's been up since five Just painting Dylan hangs out in uptown Where I used to live not exactly but you Get it Dylan hangs out at 26th and Lindale the only good Corner in Minneapolis it's actually it's over There I pointed the wrong way anyway uh When I wake up hungover on his couch It's a good day in Minneapolis the best Day in Minneapolis ends with me biking Down Lake Street until I hit the river Or a car Minneapolis is a jar that I'm Just now strong enough to open this city Is an anchor in the middle of a field The city's a quarter glued to the Sidewalk we'd be useful if we weren't Stuck here we're all about pretending Mediocre beer and we're Seafood is fine Dining we're all about loving what we've Got to that end Take your damn shoes off at the door Help your neighbors dig out after the Blizzard turn in early get up late Switch shifts with me if you can I fell In love with the Triple Rock but it's Not there anymore I lived in the Terrible part of a mansion but it's not There anymore the stairwell the sunlight The place I broke my shoulder all not There anymore you can go home but it

Won't feel like here you might live here But it'll never feel like home don't Call it a comeback we've been here for a While it's just that now the ice is Melting Ice House how are you doing tonight [Applause] Hell yeah thanks y'all Um cannot [ __ ] believe it's a snowing It's horseshit Like are you [ __ ] kidding me right Now with this listen All right Listen I'm from Houston and I didn't Know that [ __ ] could be bad like this But All right so I know um I just said that I live in Minneapolis uh but I lied to You I live in St Paul Um Yeah I know but like I but listen it That poem's not as cool if I'm like Saint Paul is an anchor in the middle of The field it's not Doesn't sound right um well I'm like I man I really like because okay I know I play next convert on stage but like in My everyday life I'm pretty introverted Um like because like Minneapolis is like It's a cool place where like the young People with money live and like Saint Paul is uh it's it's where all the bars Close at 10 and no one makes eye contact With you so

[Applause] So I [ __ ] love it man it's just It's really the best ever Um so uh okay so I actually so I used to Live in St Paul um uh with my buddy Dylan who's standing right over there at The bar yeah he's a jerk go clap for him Don't do it uh but Um so we live in the spot that was like On like Marshall and the River Road Right um and so like there was this I Mean there was this porch on the roof And you could literally you could look Down the Mississippi until you like Right to downtown it's [ __ ] beautiful Man I'm never gonna live anywhere like That again but um The only problem with uh with living Next to a river is that I live next to a Very tall bridge which is not something You you should do when you're suicidal Um you just shouldn't It's okay you can laugh I didn't kill Myself so all right [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] But uh You're the best and I like you uh so Yeah I didn't kill myself uh and we can Laugh at suicide jokes um we're all Hanging out all right so So okay so I lived in this place in St Paul and I didn't kill myself

Um so okay so one day effort already Moved out of this place um I was biking Home to my new house and my bike route Took me over the Lake Street bridge and Um I well I was in the like right in the Middle of it I had one of those like Lightning bolt moments of inspiration uh Where my brain was like Hey you have to Write these two lines like you've got to Write this poem and I gotta pay Attention to those things because I Don't really I don't get them all the Time so um I sat down right outside of My old place and I wrote this poem uh It's called Lake There's a fire somewhere down river Just a thin arm of gray reaching out From the river Flats I'd call it a smoke Signal if I were the kind of white Person who said that kind of [ __ ] The Lake Street Bridge always gives me Vertigo the water probably isn't that Far away you can sort of see the Expressions the people on the boats Below you if you dropped a rock onto the Sand it wouldn't make too deep a hole I Guess I've got to go home now but I'm sitting Outside my old home So when does Home emerge from just a Place where I put all my stuff the new House is where I do all my living so I Guess the old house is where I'm dead

I've been saying all that so I didn't Have to say this It's too easy to jump off a bridge or Take some pills No actually you gotta walk to the bridge So no one tows your mom's car You Gotta Buy or steal the pills mostly it's too Easy to go without saying goodbye yes There's a place where someone loves you Both before and after they learn what You are that place is called the world And if you want to live it's really the Only option you could choose not to but Then where would you get really great Sandwiches or listen to Springsteen with The windows down when you want to cry You'll have to just not yes people will Miss you but if you wanted to kill Yourself for a while you've heard that Too much and it no longer means anything Goodbye isn't a strong enough word but [ __ ] off forever isn't always what I Mean listen If I joke about wanting to kill myself That means I don't want to do it start Worrying when I only talk about brunch And dog breeds start worrying whatever You want to really I'm not your boss I Don't know I don't know why I asked my phone how to Get home from here but I guess it's nice When someone else agrees with me The GPS says it'll take three minutes Home is where I most comfortably have my

Panic attacks when I get home I I get to stay there I get to sleep then I get to If I want to Do this all again Thanks Helen Um Yeah man I've been I've been on tour for Pretty much two months straight and I Like really haven't been home for any Meaningful amount of time so it's so It's so much it means so much to me to To come home to do to do this show for The book release for the show so thank You so much for being here for being a Part of this oh yeah thank you Cool so now that I've built up some Goodwill I'm gonna ruin it uh So um can I do you mind if I borrow your Book right there perfect thank you I'm Professional and I actually forgot to Bring my own book up here Um so uh what's your name Thanks One time for Jose for letting me do this My handwriting is trash all right um so Yeah I forgot to bring my own book up Here so I'm gonna read this [ __ ] Thing out of Joseph's book thank you uh So I know that I shouldn't do this poem That it's a mistake to do it right now And I'm gonna [ __ ] do it anyway uh This is called Psalm 12 in which the Author possibly alienates his audience

Oh I can no longer hide the way I feel Cats suck [Applause] All right Is there an actionable dog over here Cool you're gonna love this you're gonna [ __ ] hate this all right Um cats are proof that Satan exists and Wants us to suffer cats are like if a Cuddlier animal say a rabbit or a shark We're very intent on breaking all of Your [ __ ] Cat's poop in a box walk on the poop and Then walk on their kitchen counter case Closed Wait I'm not done dogs have been known To town 9-1-1 for their owners your cat Your cat that you love would watch you Bleed out because it's curious what your Face tastes like Your cat is the best thing that happens In your day your cat is the best thing That happens in your cat's day if cats Had a theme song it would be Break Stuff By limb bizkid your cat [Laughter] Oh [ __ ] all right your cat I assume his Name is some [ __ ] like waffles or Pookie Resents what you named it your cat calls Itself balthazarius Eater of hearts and [ __ ] of mothers Well your cat calls itself meow but That's not here and neither is it there

Listen the point is [ __ ] your cat and [ __ ] you [Applause] [Music] I'm not sorry at all No listen I shouldn't talk a bunch of [ __ ] uh because like I okay so full Disclosure I'm allergic to cats uh which Is part of why I'm being a dick but also Um I have Um I have I have two bunnies um and They're basically yeah and they're Basically just vegan cats so like I Don't know I don't know I mean such a dick but uh All right All right Cool I'm gonna do a couple sad poems Um like yeah yeah I know I know I'd Apologize but like y'all came to a Poacher show on a Sunday night Um You're probably depressed so Um Yeah just saying so Cool so this poem uh this first poem was Inspired by uh one of my one of my good Friends Um and one of my favorite poets ever his Name is Human win he's a poet from St Paul um yeah he's the dopest man um I Mean actually his book not here did it Come out today question mark Cool comes out in two days but his

Yes his book really show is tomorrow uh At a spot called public functionary and I'm gonna be honest I don't know where That is but uh but it's at 7 pm you Should go to public functionary and Watch Hugh like totally turn out a [ __ ] show his book's called not here And it's it's an Incredible Book man I Would know I helped edit it anyway uh so In the last poem in the book um it's Called notes on staying and the first Time I saw it it totally [ __ ] me up Dude like I don't really I don't really Cry at poems anymore because I'm dead Inside but um Kind of a joke uh this poem messed me up Man like I was like curled up on Somebody's lap like wearing sunglasses Inside eyelashes falling out [ __ ] Weeping and Um I forgot my [ __ ] together I sat down And I wrote this poem um I also I cribed A structure from a poet named Sarah Brickman and her poem talking [ __ ] to Sadness so yeah dope poem check it out So this is the door after human win and Sarah Brickman The hard part Ly Is admitting that I really can't handle It anymore I can't just hire someone to take care Of the two-year-old unpaid parking Ticket

I threw money at my loneliness and all I Got were friends who think of drunk Driving as a sport I started my phone For so long that I grew a glass Face First you say you feel nothing then your Eyes start to agree with you then one Day someone you love probably cries in Front of you and your only thought is When is dinner There's only one way left to talk about Being sad that won't make me more sad I'm so sad I jumped off a bridge and Missed I'm so sad one time I called my Therapist mom I've made enough jokes About killing myself and I'm starting to Think they're funny every time I say Goodbye I find myself adding forever Because who knows when it will be true The text message is a light bulb on a Bad wire I start typing and the ellipses Flicker if I say delete if I delete the Filament pops and the whole light sleeps Tomorrow is the least I have to sign Every morning get me a carrier pigeon Fire up the old Telegraph open the Window and let me shout for help Something is burning bring water bring Water I'm so sad I fell in love with Hands and a row of teeth I'm just out of Line up the knives and stare at them Until one of them speaks where's the bad Part how do I carve it out by now is it All rot All right

I think so Joey comes home drops his keys on the Counter misses the dish The keys fall to the floor and he leaves Them there he starts making dinner three Times he can't stop burning the butter His pill bottle has a thin layer of dust On top Nothing you could see glancing at it but Breathe too hard and you'll make a cloud The lipstick in the bathroom is dry and Cracked the ballet flats by the Door Keep wandering farther and farther into The corner Joey makes Too much for dinner He falls asleep on the floor next to the Couch while flickering detectives make Endless puns about murder the windows And radiator are cold the dinner is cold The doors locked the phone unanswered The world it rings it rings There's some truth to what he once said About how a lot of the time I don't want To die I'm just embarrassed and that Makes me long for death not death but Just not being here I'd rather die than Confront my mistakes and I spent long Enough fixing nothing so I could feel Nothing that now it's just mistakes all The way down so yes When tasked with admitting something is Wrong I do genuinely consider how much It's going to disrupt the already Precarious life I build for myself

Slight push from embarrassment it might Be enough to tip over this weaving and Squeezing expensive machine if my things Are going to be scattered all over the Street why not leave before I see them Thrown I know I do that but I feel this Way now and I will not feel this way Soon I know that the aphorisms even if I hate Them are right this too shall pass blah Blah darkest blah blah Dawn and I know It's rude to leave your messes for Someone else But consider also that I'm a mess and I Make people deal with me pretty Constantly Consider that most every day of me Crying alone in a car or bedroom over Nothing God damn nothing and consider This is supposed to get better as I get Older and it's getting worse no one Warned me I would just get more anxious Consider the future and how I've seen it And maybe it's not worth seeing again Foreign I've never read that poem before on Stage in front of anybody so thanks for Hell yeah thanks for being here Um that's more of a bummer than I Thought it was going to be All right dope so I've got a couple more Poems um and then we're gonna hang out Yeah I'll be chilling right there like Literally like right yeah just like

Signing books Um and stuff yeah and so uh so like Rob Said uh Hey one time for Rob for hosting This whole thing and for bringing all This together [Applause] So like Rob said I brought a bunch of Posters Um and if you're here in this room you Can get one for free just come ask me For one because I real talk like I just I just I just printed too many uh for The tour I just I was like I printed a Thousand because I thought that was Gonna be enough and people didn't like Them enough so uh yeah so I've got a Shitload of them and I thought hey maybe People would like some free posters that No one else wanted to pay money for so Shouldn't have said that at all anyway But yeah I got a bunch of them and you Can just come hang out I'd love to sign Your book if you want to post it just [ __ ] come get a poster man I'll give It to you for free and I'll sign it if You want that [ __ ] all right cool great Couple more poems and let's do this so I Just did a bunch of sad poems uh so I'm Gonna do this big loud dumb funny love Poem that I like a lot um I wrote this Poem for my fiance Annie who's just Right there looking at me yeah she's the Best Thank you

Um yeah it turns out Love's real so Um It's [Laughter] Um yeah so like I was like yeah you're The best thing that's ever happened to Me and I love you very much and so I Wrote her this uh this stupid love poem Full of dumb jokes uh this poem's called Me but happy [Applause] You personally for always making me feel Cooler than a wolf wearing sunglasses When I'm around you it's like I'm full Of electricity but in a fun non-lethal Way that's possibly giving me a boner I want to thank you for making all the Love songs mean something again now when Ed Sheeran comes the radio I still roll My eyes but I do it while air humping Okay She's asked me not to do this bit Anymore but uh have you Have you seen how ugly Ed Sheeran is Like my man Like my man can write a song my man can Sing real good but like dude like Yeah I don't know I don't know what bog they Dragged That Hideous Ginger out of but Like Like okay I I like right I only ever heard his voice And the first time I ever saw him he was

An extra on Game of Thrones and like He was in this scene and I was like man That dude sounds a lot like Ed Sheeran But he is so [ __ ] grotesque like why Like whoever man the casting director Should get a [ __ ] raise for this like I don't know where they got that Cross-eyed douchebag but like [ __ ] When somebody's like that is and shared I was like no Okay All right let's get back to the home but The worst part Of the worst part is like my man has The worst tattoos that have ever lived Like I don't Just Google Ed Sheeran tattoos don't do It now because it's funnier than Anything I've ever written but I I mean Just like And I can't talk about bad tattoos you Know like I have a crawfish tattooed on My ankle but like this dude Anyway Sorry babe I love you Um Okay uh some of my eyes but I do it While air humping one of the best parts Of being in love with you is that I Never have to brush my teeth but but Gosh darn it do I want to the best thing That's happened to me since I was like Born you make me want to do pointless Actually dumb things like learning to

Play the flute or voting I'm kidding you have to vote you got to Vote okay and the list of the things I Love about you maybe the second or third Entry is the way you turn all my awful Days into awful days with cheeseburgers Have you ever ever smashed your face Know a bunch of cool wet sand you should Because that's pretty much what it's Like to hang out with you I've never Made out with Jesus but I am at I Imagine it's kind of like holding your Hand if I had scurvy your rights that Have scurvy with you I just want to say I clear the snow off of 12 driveways in Negative 20 degree weather just so that I could leave you a voicemail I want to Thank you for never not once not ever Making fun of me for crying while I Watch the exact same scene from Parks And Rec for the 25th time If you headed your way every day I've Meet a puppy every night would be trivia Night every morning I get to wake up and Punch Ben Affleck and his stupid [ __ ] Face [Applause] I always try to be like cool and stuff But it's hard to act like I don't care When you're so pretty all the goddamn Time the new way to say I love you is to Just Ram our foreheads together we can't We can't really be sad if we both sad in The same place right I want to thank you

For always wanting me to be me but happy I don't know why we're both here but Since we are let's make out until we're Dead before I met you before I met you I Wanted to be dead all the time I still Do because of the you know Mental Illness but not that you're here I don't Want to want to die anymore if you were A breakfast cereal it'd be called reason To wake up O's if you were That's the dumbest [ __ ] I've ever read And that's the stupidest [ __ ] Okay a reason to wake up ooze if you Were a book you'd be titled your perfect Life right here sure there are probably Infinite dimensions But I'm with you in this one so Why would I try to find them [Music] [Applause] Thank you Loves real turns out it's weird Hood Love's a real thing you can find With your life Um it feels strange to say that because I feel like I've spent my whole career Just being like Love's a lie Everything's terrible but you know um Yeah Love's real Um so Cool I've got one more poem and then We're gonna hang out Um hey uh one time for for Kari Ali and Taylor who came up here and did some

Stuff Thank you This is a weirdly intimidating lineup to Come up after because like I can't play Guitar at all and I spent and I spent Years just losing at Poetry Slams Dakari And Ollie so like I was just coming up I Was like [ __ ] me you're gonna mean Follow [ __ ] so so um anyway I'm really I'm having a great time I Don't know if that's obvious but I'm Really really enjoying myself I got one More poem and then we're gonna hang out Like I said I'm gonna be chilling right Over that table signing books um and Then yeah so we got to be out of here by 10. so um if if it seems like I'm being I'm being Brusque with you that's Because I [ __ ] am you know like uh Because I I mean like there are a whole Shitload of you here and I want to make Sure I sign everybody's books and I want To make sure I'm being respectful to our Venue um also hey one time for Icehouse For bringing us out tonight [Applause] Um This is the this venue's dope and they Keep letting us be sad loudly here Um so what what I want you to do is I Want you to express my appreciation for Them by uh with with your own money I Want you to tip the [ __ ] out of your Servers and bartenders I want you to tip

Them so hard they can't even believe it Uh because I love it here and I hope you All love it here and I want you to let Them know how much I love it here so Um cool I've got one more poem And then we're gonna hang out I'm gonna Just like walk over to that table right There and then we're gonna chill Um so Sorry I thought some anyway we're fine Uh so I don't know if it's obvious from like All my poems and just how I am generally But I'm very mentally ill right Um I'm [ __ ] hella crazy uh I was Diagnosed with OCD when I was 11 and a Bipolar disorder when I was 22 and I was always really sure growing up that I wasn't going to live that long you Know I never had like a plan or or a Specific time in mind but I was just I Was just certain I wasn't going to live Past like 23 24. Um and I wrote this poem And we're just poem on the day that I Realized I was I was maybe gonna make it Man like I was living in this awful hipster house In Summit Hill over in St Paul Um and like You know I was living with a bunch of Roommates and like we were all sleeping With each other and it was like not a Good look and I just hated I hated

Myself I hated like my living situation And I woke up this one morning and it Wasn't like it wasn't that That I just decided one day I was gonna Live it was this culmination of like six Months of of therapy and my meds finally Working and all this stuff but I Realized like hey I might might actually Be here for a while man I might I might Have something to do so I wrote this poem it's the last poem in My new book The Future that we're all Here hanging out it's a release party For and I man I love this poem it's my Favorite poem I ever get to do live and I I'm so stoked that I get to close this Show with it so yeah if y'all if y'all Get anything from this poem in this set In my life in the world I just want you To I want you to forgive yourselves And I want you to love yourself so once You go out of here and and be good to Each other This is my last poem uh it's called the Future The worst thing about being naked and Then being hit by a car is that road Rash the problem for skin why was I Naked in the middle of the road at noon I'm glad you asked imagine every other Half of this conversation I have no idea Some characteristics of bipolar disorder Can include dissociation hallucinations And few States so sometimes I wake up in

Places I didn't go to sleep so there I Am nude it's played out in the hood of a Car like a [ __ ] chicken and I'm Screaming by the government conspiracy To take away my feet not my real feet Just my brain feet I'm about six inches Away from the concrete when I realized In slow motion like the exact opposite Of a rhinoceros attack this It's not how I imagine my life would Turn out when I was little I broke both My ankles jumping off a roof because I Was sure a cape would enable me to fly My parents distributed this to my strong Imagination last year my therapist Called a delusion I failed to see the Difference also I really can't fly and See the future and make stupid people Leave coffee shops with my mind 43 of the time sometimes I see people as Colors the point is here's a list of Things that my brain is told me to do Join a cult start a cult become a Cabinet maker kill myself so in essence Become a cabinet maker break into and Then paint other people's houses have Sex with literally everyone it reminds Me of my mother fight animals that are Much Fightier than me like Bears so in Essence kill myself I think I think a Lot about killing myself not like a Point on a map where like a glowing exit Sign in to show it's never been quite

Bad enough to make me want to leave see When I'm up I don't kill myself because Holy [ __ ] there is so much left to do When I'm down I'm gonna kill myself Because then the sadness would be over And the sadness is my old paint under The new sadness is the house fire or the Broken shoulder I'd still be me without It but I'd be so boring but keep telling Me seeing things that are technically There is called Disturbed cognitive Functioning I call it having a Superpower once I pulled over on the Freeway and jumped out of my old red Jeep because I saw a burst into flames 20 seconds before it actually burst into Flames and then my fiance and I would be Together because she turned bright pink The first time she saw me I know Tomorrow's gonna come because I've seen It Sunrise is going to come all you have To do is wake up in the future it's been At War but it's coming home so soon in The future is the map and The Treasure Of the future looks like a child in a Cape the future is just like gravity Everyone associating toward everyone Else we will all be part of each other One day the future is a blue sky and a Full tank of gas I saw the future I did And in it I was alive Thanks so much y'all are the dopest I Love you thank you for being here thank


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