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Ebony Stewart, performing at performing at The Ill List 2023 in Modesto, CA.
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Everything that was once moving has Turned to glue I am holding the phone closely I am stuck listening for someone to tell Me something that can't be true they say He died in his sleep and somehow only Then for a moment is it true my father The Survivor and the failure good Memories are happening and escaping in Pieces you weren't always here when you Were able to be here how dare you also Get to die in peace too I've been Sitting in the same position for hours Without moving oh good grief Tell me what next should I do Death travels quickly people are Immediately sorry Clogging my line with condolences and Concerned and despair and inappropriate Questions asking when asking how asking Why asking what are we planning to do With the body and I don't know I'm just a little girl whose daddy been Gone How is it I'm experiencing a new grief For a loss I've already never healed From my last text hey Dad Just checking on you I love you sent Without response this another time where The little girl does not get what she Has always wanted oh good grief There's a Grace in denial are never Repaired avoid forever to claim for this The first man I ever loved and the most
Recent to completely let me go I am Listening to my father on a voicemail Recording I am replaying his laugh and His stories over and over my grief in The background going down with the sun I Drink so my suffering is not done in Silence I boil instead of shedding Swallow a sob story and dare the inner Child to come undone I am my father's Daughter the strongest one he made and Only his second born I've accomplished So much I've only ever wanted him to see it Wanted him here front and center in the Audience Any audience would do applauding Cheering I'm so proud of you I'm so Proud of you so if he was gonna leave This time and never come back he could Have at least just told me that too I Closed my fist and punched the air Furiously I've never felt this type of Rage unfold My restless and disillusioned body in a Choke hold this urgent and irreplaceable Feeling whatever stage I'm in oh good God grief Is winning When planning a memorial service You have to consider everyone and it Doesn't matter if you've never planned a Life event like this one before dead Parents know The daughters will find language and
Money will save face and face their Fraught beliefs believing that death is So final it doesn't fix anything we'll Practice changing tenses and listen to Well-meaning people tell stories about a Good man who wasn't always a good father Or good grief This pain were forced to Forever make Peaceful [Applause]
